September 15, 2014
Selamat Ulang Tahun, Sayangku!

Dear Ricardo,

            As I’m writing this you probably are now sleeping on the wheelchair or on your comfy bed. And I wish I was there with you, gazing at your face like I always do and kiss the top of your head.

            If you wonder when did I write this? I start writing this at 23:40, twenty minutes away from your birth day. I’ve been spending days thinking what should I write about, I’ve been playing with my pen and staring at my empty journal page and still I couldn’t think of something. Writing used to be so easy, but why now it is so hard?

            Perhaps baby, just perhaps, because all I wanted to tell to is all about you, and to you.

            Sayangku, selamat berulang tahun yang kesembilan-belas!

            You always said that why people are scared of death is because they do not want to be forgotten. People are leaving marks and memories here and there to be remembered when they aren’t there anymore. And you my baby, if my life is a plain gray wall, then you are Banksy (if I’m not mistaken). You filled my wall with meaningful mark, and of course memories.

            I realized that I have a beast living in my heart. I am an insecure and selfish human being. If I was that princess who’s trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon, then you are my prince charming, you defeatead the dragon but the real beast is my insecure self. The prince have to beg and beg everyday for the princess to leave her comfy castle. Does this analogy work?

            Honey, I love you. You have tamed my beast heart. You healed me.

            You and your borderless patience. Ricardo yang pernah menunggu hampir lima jam lebih saat malam dan di bawah gerimis hujan. Ricardoku yang tidak pernah marah kalau aku selalu lupa waktu, dan membuatnya menunggu. Ricardo di atas motornya, dengan jaket coklatnya yang sudah jelek sekali namun dia suka, dengan headset di telinganya, selalu menungguku di sudut jalan. Dan dia tidak pernah mengeluh.

            You and your unconditional love. Ricardoku yang jelek, jerawatan, giginya sompel, kumisnya yang tidak rata, hidungnya yang terlalu mancung. Ini dan itu yang selalu aku koreksi dari dirinya. But you never demand anything from me, Ricardo tidak pernah minta aku jadi begini atau begitu, even when I think that I am not good enough for him, he’d be a little mad and said that he already has everything since he got me. Terimakasih sayang, sudah mencintaiku apa adanya. Dan untuk setiap koreksi yang kuberikan padamu, entah bagaimanapun jadinya aku akan tetap selalu mecintaimu.

            You and your kind heart. Ricardoku sayang yang baik hatinya. I might sound really old by saying this but honey for sure I know you are a good person. I remember that night when you said, ‘Aku selalu berusaha baik sama orang lain, kenapa orang lain gini samaku?’ And if you still remember what I said while rubbing your back, ‘Most people are sleeping when the sun rise up beautifully, but it always rise up and shine again the other day.’ Honey, even tho some people treat you the other way around like you treated them, please do and be kind always anyway.

            Sayangku, if somehow this game of life pops out a screen that will let you decide whether you wanted to continue or quit, what will you choose? Or so I say, will you decide to continue? Yes I am a demanding girlfriend, but honey you took an important role in my life. You have in your hands the other half of my heart. Your love are something and you are somebody that I won’t forget. Even when you are no longer mine, even when you are no longer living. I won’t forget you. But please promise me, hiduplah yang lama sayangku.

            Karena aku butuh dirimu my boo. Aku butuh seseorang yang menemaniku kemanapun aku pergi, yang tidak pernah melepaskan genggaman tangannya, yang selalu bercerita tentang revolusi dan politik yang aku tidak pernah bisa mengerti, yang sangat membenci polisi, yang mendengarkan musik yang terlalu keras di telingaku, yang menyukai warna hitam membosankan, yang dapat kumat alerginya jika salah makan atau jika aku marah, yang bersedia menghabiskan sisa makananku dan tetap rela aku panggil gendut, yang akhir-akhir ini sudah mulai lari pagi, yang sudah dua minggu menunda menempah kacamatanya, yang tahun ini begitu beruntung masuk ke fakultas yang diinginkannya, yang selalu tiba-tiba mencium pipiku, yang selalu memelukku like a coccon, yang selalu wangi pelembut pakaian,  yang rambutnya wangi dan tebal dan suka sekali aku cium, yang selalu meminta izin makan makanan laut meskipun aku akan bilang tidak, yang tidak pandai merayu meski dia tahu moodku sedang buruk, yang selalu ada di depan rumah membawakanku sesuatu, yang membiarkanku tidur, yang tidak pernah marah padaku, yang mencintaku apa adanya dengan semua yang dimilikinya, yang membuatku mensyukuri hidup ini dengan semua hal sederhana yang kami lalui berdua.

            Selamat ulang tahun, sayangku. Aku membutuhkanmu, selalu. 

Yang mencintaimu,

Carolyn

March 29, 2014
life is cheesy.

benlaksana:

image

We have come to live in a society where everything is big and grand. The bigger the better so they say. Big houses, big cars, big burgers, and even big cameras and with their big lenses and thanks to porn, people are living in a delusional state of desiring bigger penises and bigger…

February 21, 2014
On Learning Love

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever.” —- Nicholas Sparks

I stumbled upon someone’s writing about the reason why she loves her boyfriend, and I couldn’t help to write one too because it’s also been so long since I wrote something.

It is six days before we have our four monthversary. We are still too young and too in love for being a couple, aren’t we? It’s already feels like years, probably because we both have known each other for quite a long time and nearly got into relationship before. But on these four months I know I’ve been learning a lot from him, things I never realize before.

So what are the things I’ve learnt? What are the things I love from him?

He is kind. Even when we haven’t had relationship between us, I knew he was a good man with a good heart. I saw this from his loving and caring heart. He never mind to save up money just to buy his best-friend a gift, his brother a toy, when he has quite a little chance that they will give him something back. He always said, ‘What you gave, will be given back to you one day.’ 

Our mutualness that I have lose count. Those moments when we said the same things, when we had the same mind, I can’t remember since they were too many. I never understand too how could we have the same future son’s name, the same dream, and the same idea to put chocolates in our gift. I guess he is a mind-reader somehow, or maybe another piece of me. Our mutualness doesn’t left us bored of finding the same thing in our self in somebody else, but make us excited to find out more and more. We are learning from each other, I am learning from you.

He never boast himself. If we aren’t in a relationship I’ll never know that he reads books too, good books. He even reads more than me and so much faster. He also a good writer in heart, I found this out by looking at his phone’s notes. He wrote a or some (I don’t know) about me, that made me smile and grateful for a man who loves without terms and condition. He is also knows a lot of things, when he said that I have a lot of things in my mind, he has them too, a lot more but he just never speak them out.

He isn’t a perfect boyfriend. He doesn’t always shows up in a luxy car, wearing modest clothes, with his hair done and shiny face. But he always wait for me. He always find a reason to pick me up, waiting for me under a tree with his bike and old jacket. When the sun shines so hot, the rain fall hard, or it took hours, he is always there waiting for this ugly tired face girl to come out. He didn’t give me flowers, even when he knew how much I wanted a roses bouquet. But he never fail making my heart bloom every single day. His silly jokes and warm laughter, soothe me better than hot tea which he is fond of. He doesn’t give things that I screen-captured from shops, he buys me things he thought I would like and I ended up do. He gave me too many sometimes I worried I cannot give back. He never tired calling me beautiful, on the afternoon when my frizzy hair is going crazy and my powder-less face is shown up. It sounds like lies sometimes, but he took this gaze at me and called me pretty and I could feel butterflies on my blood vines. He never mad at me. He never shows up his jealously. He forgive and forget.

I’m always craving for a relationship like Jesse and Celine in Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Before Midnight Trilogy. Walking around in town talking about few random things. And I got it from him. We could talk about random thing everywhere even in a Chinese restaurant. We could also share silence, like how he sleeps on my lap and there we just me and him and this heavenly ambience.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. —- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

December 2, 2013
2nd Dec 2013

So we meet again, my 2nd December.
The perks of having a birthday at the end of the year is to remember what happened on the whole year, as in my case, to remember what happened this year until I reach the age of 18.

There were a lot of big things happened, this year has been so rough actually.

I had my sister’s wedding that taught me how no matter messed up you can be there is always someone who is willing to love you. I learned about how difficult it is to settle down, tied the knot, and build the commitment.
Unfortunately, on the same day, I also felt how was it like to lost somebody. Right after the wedding was off, I found out that my crush was gone. I still can feel how confused and lost I was back then. From that moment I learned how does it feel to lost someone, that life is just a simple blink of an eye, I learned how to let go. I learned that something which you see everyday, someday somehow will just disappear. Funny isn’t it.

This year was also the last year of my high school, where I ought to did so many tests for the sake of getting into a proper university. I didn’t get my first and second choice, but I got the third. At first I felt like a piece of shit, I didn’t mind if the world crush me down. Everyone was looking down at me. I remembered asking myself what the hell did I let myself go into. But as time went on, I was wrong. I loved where I was that time. I love my third choice university, I love my friends right there. They taught me different perspective in life, they opened my eyes of how starving the society around me for that thing called prestige, class, fame, acceptance, and whatsoever. They taught me that across the life I’ve been living in there is a total different life going on too. I was so ashamed of myself, luckily they made me realized before I toxicated too much by this ring of hell-yeah-socialite-society.

But life stretched again, and I got into another college. This reputable college, people said. So I had to left my friends, it was so sad. My new college, friends, and class didn’t seem so friendly at first. I had to study so hard in here. But I made a promise to myself, when I was filling out the entrance test, that if I somehow could get in, it is God’s choice for me and I can’t be mad nor grumbled about it. I’m trying my best here, I hope I will be just fine. Just fine is enough. And now I guess everything is going okay.

I also, or finally, got into a relationship. I felt funny writing this, knowing that he will read this. But darling, I don’t know if we started this in a bad way before, or maybe it was me being so cruel, but I love you. Thank you for always loving me right from the start. I am sorry I ever did you wrong, please know that I’m trying here to catch up your overload-unconditional love. Me love you so much, minha sol. You made me so happy every day, why should I ever bother what people said.

And for today, I got the most crowded birth day ever. Six cakes for a record. Feel truly blessed and loved, and grateful for them. For all of my friends and dear ones. I got the best birthday message ever for my entire life:

Dear my sweetest Carolyn in the universe. It is my first shot to type it down, that I am so thankful to have you in this limited-timed world and universe, for being a friend, and being my guidance book, every time I got lost in my life, I could find you and God. Don’t hate me for being a little bit religious. I believe that you are one of that angel in disguise that God sent to keep me in the right track of life. Thank you, thank you. I love you. We have one hundred percent certainity that we are going to die, and I want you to always having that belief, that whenever you are getting sad, or feeling useless, you are already someone’s blessings, you are such a blessing to me. And before I die, I want you to know how much you mean to me.

I couldn’t help my tears. I always believe that birth day is a day where a friend should remind the birth-day-someone how special she or he is. Isn’t it beautiful to tell the truth, to know how much we mean to somebody, even for one day in a year.

I gave a huge thank you for everyone around me, and of course for the Owner of the Universe, for giving this such beautiful yet a mess life.

I cannot wait to seek more.

October 12, 2013

benlaksana:

The power of education.

(Source: drunkonstephen)

September 1, 2013

The man with paper-cuts who lives nearby
Won’t remember what you said
The tales of joy you probably meant to tell to him
Would so easily fly by

Born to a crystal clear nice family
His whole life honest, at least he tried
His office may seem like a boredom to us
But it’s his sweet dear lullaby

Something is better when you think it is
Something is nicer when your mind’s king has cast off his guards

Listen listen it comes whispering
Listen listen, listen hard

August 19, 2013
I'm Still In Love With You - (Thought Catalog)

I’m still in love with you.

And I know you know, and you know that we’ve been here before.

I haven’t put it into words recently; I haven’t really acknowledged that it’s even true.

I guess, it’s because I haven’t wanted it to be this way. But this time I’m not scared of it anymore. I am not afraid that something will happen, or that people will judge me, or that people will see me, that you will see me and that you’ll know that after all this time.

It’s always been you.

But there’s a catch. I’m in love with you, but there’s a catch. There’s something about the way that I love you that isn’t. Ideal.

I don’t love us. I don’t love what we had. I don’t even miss it. I’m not still in love with our love.

Our interests don’t match, we have nothing in common, you don’t think I’m all that impressive. You don’t stoke my ego. You like things, I like feelings. I want the whole world, you’re fine without it. We don’t see eye to eye, we don’t even entertain our differences. You roll your eyes when I get going and I keep going even though I know you’re not listening but because I want you to give a fuck or something.

But, you’re not complicated and neither am I. And. I think that the illusion of this physical world pulled us and stretched us.

I scratch my head, and I scratch my neck and I roll back my shoulder and I adjust my shirt. Trying to put the pieces all together.

I love you for a lot of reasons but I love you the most because of how insecure you are, because you don’t see all the good stuff that’s inside of you. And that, for some reason, makes you more beautiful than anyone I’ve ever really known. And. In some perverse way, you not liking yourself made me want you more. You deserve that. And, no, not just because you’re you, but because, we all do.

It’s easy to ignore how much I love you when I don’t see you, when I don’t hear about how you’re doing, when I know how much the people in your life want me around. It’s easy to forget you when I don’t want you back. Necessarily.

But every once and a while, you creep, and I can almost tell, I can usually feel that it’s coming. A picture of you with her. A thought of you. A dream, sometimes. A answered text. An encounter in a crowded place.

A conversation that seems light, but a feeling that’s almost heavy. Not suffocating, but intense and emotional and I know I never tell you this but, it’s always scared me too. You’re usually uncomfortable. I’m usually pensive, trying to choose my words so fucking carefully. You’ll ask something serious then, and you’ll fix your eyes on me and I’ll look at you and I’ll lean in a little. And that’s when I’ll know. That it’s still there.

I’ll know just how real it still is.

I don’t know how to feel, now that there’s a good chance we’ll never see each other again. I don’t know if, your physical absence will cause it all to disappear or bury itself or just hang around. I have no way of knowing.

But I know now, that there are some things that we eventually grow weary of running away from. And. No one understands, and that’s fine. And I don’t want you back. And that’s fine too. But, you hold a place in my heart, and as a matter of fact, maybe it’s even more than that but I’m too tired to be afraid of it anymore.

I’m not sure what’s keeping me here, and I’m not asking you for an answer. I’m not asking you for anything, really.

You’re leaving, and I’m staying and maybe you’ll come back but I think that from now on, when you’re here I’ll probably be somewhere else and when you’re there I’ll be here.

If I’m going anywhere, I’ll probably go to far. Probably away from you, chances are.

August 13, 2013
Neurolove.me: Why We Hide Our True Selves

psych-quotes:

Why We Hide Our True Selves

Sometimes we luck out and find a friend or a partner that we can be totally open with, but those relationships can be rare. It’s more common to get close to someone, but keep parts of our true selves hidden away. Here are some of the reasons…

August 13, 2013
"Because I believe someone who could write so beautiful won’t be a failure."

— Momo (probably something which keeps my lifeless soul still motivated everyday)

August 5, 2013
pierce-effect:

this is beautiful because it could mean anything. its like they have left you to finish off the sentence for yourself. it could be “let her know right now that she’s beautiful, that you love her, that you cheated, that your have cancer or that you are depressed, but there is one definite meaning to this and its: let her know right now before its too late, before you hurt her even more (if its bad), before its the wrong time and she doesn’t feel the same way (if its an emotion). that is why this is my absolute favourite picture on tumblr 

pierce-effect:

this is beautiful because it could mean anything. its like they have left you to finish off the sentence for yourself. it could be “let her know right now that she’s beautiful, that you love her, that you cheated, that your have cancer or that you are depressed, but there is one definite meaning to this and its: let her know right now before its too late, before you hurt her even more (if its bad), before its the wrong time and she doesn’t feel the same way (if its an emotion). that is why this is my absolute favourite picture on tumblr 

(via her0inchic)

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